fondu au noir
by quintessentialy
Summary: It was easier for her to see him at night / angst
It's easier for her to see him at night.

She can't remember how it started – whether their first rendezvous was after Reflekta or Guitar Villain – not that it mattered. She remembered two things: getting a call and going to the top of a hotel near the tower.

He folded her into his arms and for once she didn't feel the desperate need to escape. She relaxed into his grip and he hugged her tightly. They fell against concrete and he pressed his lips to cheek and she couldn't help but smile.

She was lonely, she thought, and that's why she let him love her in the ways he did. Between midnight and one in the morning some nights, she was his. She was his and he was hers, and they never spoke about it when the sun was up.

She didn't love him – at least, not yet. How could she? She had Adrien at school, with his eyes and his hair and the way he smiled. Chat's eyes looked like his, and in the dark, she could pretend. Tangle fingers in his hair, press her face into his neck. Hands on her waist, hips. She had to bite her tongue to keep from saying the wrong name.

He loved her so deeply, sincerely. Every time she left, he thought he felt a crack in his heart grow a bit longer, a bit deeper. Her eyes looked like Marinette's, and when he saw her in school, he had to look away; she was not his lover, he had to remind himself, though being around her became increasingly harder.

Their lips never met. He had tried once, twice, three times (maybe) – but every time he leaned in to steal a real kiss, she pressed her hand over his mouth. "Chat," she would sigh, pulling him back toward her neck, his hands toward her body, and he'd forget that she'd denied him all of her. He had every part of her except for her lips, and he thought about whether or not she had a secret boyfriend and kissing him was just too much. He thought about whether she had ever really kissed anyone before (besides the time he was akumatized – but he knew she didn't count it). Eventually he stopped trying, and tried to instead make do with everything else she let him have.

Sometimes he just held her. They curled up against the cement barrier of the roof and stared at the tower together, glowing against the dark of the Paris sky. She pressed her face against his chest, willed herself to hear his heartbeat. He combed his fingers through her hair and tugged at the ribbons that held her hair back.

When his ring or her earrings began blinking, they parted. They almost never said words when they were together other than the other's name – until he decided it was too much. He needed all of her, he needed her to trust him enough – and before parting, he reached for her hand.

"Chat, I have to go." Ladybug insisted, pulling her hand away from him, turning back to the edge of the roof, "Please."

"Ladybug," Chat started, reaching for her again, "Ladybug, I think I love you."

"You think?" She said, glancing behind her as she stood on the edge, "Don't say that."

"I love you."

"Don't."

The exchange was short and he regretted it afterwards. She turned and jumped from the roof, and he heard the zip of her yo-yo as she jumped from building to building.

He let himself transform back into Adrien on the roof. He curled up and leaned back against the barrier of the hotel, curled his arms around his legs, and he cried.

She returned to her bedroom and became Marinette. She sat on the edge of her bed and Tikki stared at her, wordless. She couldn't continue to see him like this, to use him as a placeholder for Adrien – it was selfish – disgusting, even. She brushed away a tear she found on her cheek and slipped under the covers of her bed. _No more,_ she promised herself, _never again_.

He didn't call her for a week. When he did, he reached the hotel and dialed her number before he realized she was there. She was there, standing against the barrier, the light of the tower behind her. "You are so beautiful," he started, reaching for her. She caught his wrist before he could press a hand into her waist.

He dropped his hand to his side.

"Chat, we need to stop this," Ladybug sighed, pressing a hand against her thigh. For a moment, she found her fingertips aching for a brush against his jaw or his cheek. She pushed the need away. _You don't love him_ , she insisted, _don't let yourself think you do_.

"Why? We were – we were having so much fun."

"You fell in love with me –"

"My lady, I've always been in love with you."

She knew. She knew and she had to look away – she'd been playing him this entire time, and they both knew it. Chat had known from the beginning that she didn't love him. She was years older than him – they would never know each other. What had he thought this would amount to? "I want to know you."

"Don't even start with that." She warned him, shaking her head quickly, "Chat Noir, you deserve _better_ than me."

"That's ridiculous!"

"It's the opposite. I have played you. I don't _love you_ , Chat, not like someone else can – I – I'm so sorry. I am so sorry."

"I don't need you to love me. I need you to let me love you!" Chat insisted, frustrated. He took a few steps toward her and she pressed herself back against the concrete. He slid his hands against his cheeks, under her chin. "My lady," he sighed, gazing at her, "you've never let me kiss you."

"Because I know I shouldn't. You know you shouldn't."

"What are you scared of?" He asked her, and she pressed her lips together and willed herself not to push his hands away.

"I'm in love with someone else." She confessed, "And you look like him."

"Maybe I am him."

"That's not the point!" She replied, pushing his hands away. Her fingers flew to her face, the heels of her palms pressing against her eyes. "I've been using you! I've been fulfilling all my fantasies with him through you. God, Chat, don't you understand how horrible that is? I've been using you all this time. I am selfish – I am _so_ selfish."

He stared at her silently as she sniffed, tears leaking from her eyes. He reached for her again and she took a few steps away, shaking her head. "Please, please leave me alone."

"I forgive you!" Chat called out, walking after her. He stopped behind her. He knew he shouldn't – he knew he was an idiot, but then he realized that his forgiveness was only coming from his love for her and _god_ , he loved her. She turned to face him and shook her head, wiping the last of her tears away.

"That's not enough."

"How? I love you. My lady, you are the light of my life, please – please, let me love you."

"I can't love you back! What is the point?"

"Maybe someday you will –"

"Stop with all of the 'maybe's'! It isn't a maybe, Chat. I can never love you as more than anything but a friend. One of my best friends. I can't keep doing this to you, hurting you like this – I need to leave you alone. A business-only relationship is exactly what we need and you need to forget about this and stop loving me."

"That's impossible."

"Make it possible!" She snapped through gritted teeth, pulling her yo-yo out from her belt.

"I will never stop loving you!"

"Chat, you are making this so much harder than it needs to be –"

"Ladybug, please. Please don't leave! I can be who you want me to be –"

"Chat."

She turned toward him and he felt it. A pain in his chest, a sinking in his stomach. Everything he read in books, saw in movies. She shook her head and turned away. When he blinked, she was gone.

She wouldn't see him at night again.

* * *

This is a trillion times more angsty than anything I've ever written for Miraculous and it's my first time writing angst for this show so please leave reviews, suggestion, and positive criticism! Thank you so much for reading.


End file.
